Who I am

I’m a mother. A working mother. Someone who puts in 40 hours a week; sometimes more, sometimes less. I spend 8 or 9 hours a day away from my boys and worry the entire time.

I’m a person who despite having a good job, where I’ve been for more than a dozen years, we still live paycheck to pay check. We have lots of wants, some means and a little bit in the bank at times.

I’m a person who wants to see her husband succeed. I want to see him have a cow herd and not having to work a job just so we can have health insurance.

I’m a mom who questions whether or not a sore throat merits a doctor visit. Not every sniffle or sneeze does so, but I second guess my choice. I’m thankful I have health insurance when I do have a sick kid.

I’m a horsewoman, who hasn’t ridden in more than a year. For years and years, my mare was the center of my universe. Ask my husband. He knew he was second place for many, many years. Now, I don’t “have time” to ride. The boys need shuttled around. I have work to deal with and they want to ride. There’s only 3 horses at the house, so when dad needs to work, guess where mom stays?

I would love to stay home and take care of cows, horses and kids, but lack of confidence, lack of experience and a little lack of patience keeps me working in town.

I’m a wanna-be photographer. I’m trying to get a few more clients after taking engagement photos for one friend and family photos for another. I absolutely love taking photos and capturing a beautiful scene. I hope people like my photos more than I do.

Last week I wrote about being a rural voter after the presidential election, and how I disliked being called an uneducated and rural voter. After fielding more than a dozen comments on my blog, I had to get away from the computer and get some fresh air. As I was feeding horses, I thought, “Who am I?” I always thought I was a writer, a photographer, a hard worker and I’m just me. I don’t like being called uneducated—especially since I’m still paying my student loans from my time at Oklahoma State University.

I came back in the house and wrote the above six paragraphs in about 12 seconds. Ok, maybe not that fast, but they came out on paper pretty quickly. The more I thought about it, the more I questioned who I was/am/were/will be. But who does it matter to who I am? Mostly me. I do my job, keep my head down and try not to cause much strife. I’ve changed over the years, and I hope the only one who is bothered by that is me. I’ve just got to be me.

img_5048sm

Advertisements

Religon and politics

I’m not much one for either religion or politics. Ask my husband or my coworkers and they know the glassy-eyed look I get when they start talking about politics. I can’t stand the rhetoric and the crap that goes along with elections, lawmaking and the like. Sure, I will go vote and do my part as far as that goes, but part of me always questions, “Why go vote? My one little vote will not change the world.” But I continue to do it anyway, hoping my vote would be the one that was needed.

Religion has always been an issue with me. Sure, I believe in God, and I believe I will go to heaven when it is my time, but why must I have someone tell me that their way is better than mine? Or if I repeat a certain prayer 82395984752 times, I will get into heaven that much faster. Or go to church every Sunday. Or confess my sins in front of someone. Or give money to the church. I don’t get some of the things people do in certain religions or why they think just because they practice a certain religion that they are a better human being than those of other religions. Because they are not. Heck, in my eyes some of the things they do to become a “better _______” make them a not-so-nice individual.

I was raised in the Lutheran church and confirmed in it, but I can count on one hand the number of times I have been in that church since I graduated from college. My mantra has always been, “You don’t have to go to church to believe in God.” And believe me, I do believe.

When it was time for me to get married, the one thing I was certain of during the wedding planning process was I didn’t want to get married in a church. Nothing against the church or the pastors, it just didn’t fit me or my beliefs. I was perfectly happy with the cowboy preacher that we chose. I truly believe Boyd had a special connection with the Lord and you could see it when he got to preaching.

I think of God when I see the works of Mother Nature. Someone had to create those things – the beautiful sunrises and sunsets, the heat and the cold, even the annoying bugs. Riding through the pastures in the early morning make all of those creations evident to me. Even the dive bombing birds, rattle snakes and the badger hissing at me. I thank the Lord I am able to saddle my horse and enjoy a ride before my day really begins.