Who I am

I’m a mother. A working mother. Someone who puts in 40 hours a week; sometimes more, sometimes less. I spend 8 or 9 hours a day away from my boys and worry the entire time.

I’m a person who despite having a good job, where I’ve been for more than a dozen years, we still live paycheck to pay check. We have lots of wants, some means and a little bit in the bank at times.

I’m a person who wants to see her husband succeed. I want to see him have a cow herd and not having to work a job just so we can have health insurance.

I’m a mom who questions whether or not a sore throat merits a doctor visit. Not every sniffle or sneeze does so, but I second guess my choice. I’m thankful I have health insurance when I do have a sick kid.

I’m a horsewoman, who hasn’t ridden in more than a year. For years and years, my mare was the center of my universe. Ask my husband. He knew he was second place for many, many years. Now, I don’t “have time” to ride. The boys need shuttled around. I have work to deal with and they want to ride. There’s only 3 horses at the house, so when dad needs to work, guess where mom stays?

I would love to stay home and take care of cows, horses and kids, but lack of confidence, lack of experience and a little lack of patience keeps me working in town.

I’m a wanna-be photographer. I’m trying to get a few more clients after taking engagement photos for one friend and family photos for another. I absolutely love taking photos and capturing a beautiful scene. I hope people like my photos more than I do.

Last week I wrote about being a rural voter after the presidential election, and how I disliked being called an uneducated and rural voter. After fielding more than a dozen comments on my blog, I had to get away from the computer and get some fresh air. As I was feeding horses, I thought, “Who am I?” I always thought I was a writer, a photographer, a hard worker and I’m just me. I don’t like being called uneducated—especially since I’m still paying my student loans from my time at Oklahoma State University.

I came back in the house and wrote the above six paragraphs in about 12 seconds. Ok, maybe not that fast, but they came out on paper pretty quickly. The more I thought about it, the more I questioned who I was/am/were/will be. But who does it matter to who I am? Mostly me. I do my job, keep my head down and try not to cause much strife. I’ve changed over the years, and I hope the only one who is bothered by that is me. I’ve just got to be me.

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Have a plan

I heard someone say the other day, “If you have money, have more than a plan to spend it.” It stuck with me enough for me to write it down, and now write this blog post.

My husband told our son Sunday that he has two kinds of money, spending money and saving money. Shaun was convinced he could use his “saving” money in his piggy bank to buy himself a bull truck (a semi with a cattle trailer). It was a cute conversation and one that I’m glad my husband handled. He’s much better with saving than I am.

When I was a kid I had a collection of pennies and didn’t really have a savings account. I spent birthday and Christmas money about as fast as I got it. I didn’t get a checking account until I was a senior in high school and heading off to college. (Admittedly I didn’t get a savings account until I was well out of college.) When I was in college I enjoyed life and didn’t have a job besides my school work. I’m glad I had it that way because my grades never suffered.

But, and I’ve written about it before, I’m still paying for that $7 taco from college. I was lucky enough to have a couple of grants and scholarships that helped pay for my tuition, but I did have to take out some school loans to pay for my education and the remainder of my loans is what I lived on. That and credit cards.

I’m only about half way through paying my student loans off and I completely envy my college classmates announcing on social media they’ve paid theirs off. I chose to go out of state and value my education. I do not mind paying every month for my education.

Now, for the first time in six years of marriage, my husband and I got a decent sized tax return. While it’s not enough to pay off our bills, it is enough to get my brain working. I’m dreaming of a garage or a new set of tires on the vehicles and doing appropriate research. Meanwhile, it sits in the bank. I’ve got to have more than a plan on how to spend it.